Guilt.

Since having Hayden I have learned so much about parenting (obvious, I know!). Everything we did with him was an experiment in a way.

Trying out every brand of disposable diapers out there, and discovering that huggies contain forceful poops much better than pampers. We also learned that even week old babies can blow-out a diaper... and leak all over their daddies :)

Trying out every brand of formula because he was so gassy. Infamil made him so gassy, he did nothing but cry. Infamil Gentle-Ease (and it's Target generic) took away the gas, but made him so constipated, all he did was cry. Good Start Supreme took away his gas issues, and let him poop with ease. Good Start reaches gold standard in our opinion.

Breastfeeding was not easy and it doesn't just "come naturally". Introducing a bottle too early will make baby become lazy and refuse the breast. Using a cheap pump will not produce results. Not pumping as often as baby eats will not produce enough to feed baby.

It seems like everything we did with Hayden, we're doing differently with the twins. We're doing it right this time. Better. I feel guilty about this because I feel like Hayden lost out. I feel like I'm a better mom this time around.

We've been using huggies since the boys moved to size 2 diapers. Pampers Swaddlers worked better for them in the beginning since they were so little. Now we are about to make the transition to cloth. Cloth is MUCH cheaper and, from the looks of it, pretty easy. It also goes without saying, cloth is much better for our environment. I never even considered cloth for Hayden. I kind of wish I had.

I wasn't able to breastfeed Hayden and it bothered me for a long time. I tried to exclusively pump but I didn't know what I was doing. My ignorance was my downfall. I learned that it's very important for first-time breastfeeders to work closely with a good lactation consultant. The one had I with Hayden wasn't very helpful, and didn't call back when we had our crisis of him refusing to latch. With the twins, the lactation consultant met with me every day we were in the hospital. She and the nurses showed me how to correct a poor latch and really helped me get comfortable feeding the twins. I'm very glad that I'm still able to breastfeed them both. It's something I really enjoy, and it's made it easier to bond with both babies. Still, part of me feels that I've cheated Hayden, and that makes me feel awful.

With Hayden, we started solids right before 4 months. I feel like I rushed him a bit, but he took to them right away and did great. I never thought about making his baby food; he was 100% a Gerber Baby. It just seemed so pointless and time consuming. Now, I only use homemade baby food for the twins (unless we are out) and it's great! It's cheap, it's easy, and I actually enjoy the time I get to spend making it. I don't feel that it is any better for my babies than Gerber foods, especially since Gerber runs their own farms and so their produce is probably better monitored than the foods I buy.

Then, there is part of me that thinks I'm doing something wrong with the twins. I know that every baby is different, but I can't help but compare. By 4 months, Hayden was sleeping 14 hours every night, without waking at all. By 6 months he was sitting independently and starting to crawl. Cooper rolls everywhere, but hasn't even attempted to get on all fours. Lucas rolls when he has too, but no more than that. You can forget about crawling, as I think he's content to lie on his back until he's 2. Both can sit for a few seconds, but throw themselves backward and just don't really "get" the whole balance thing. They are nearly 7 months old! I feel like they are behind, and I feel like it's somehow my fault.

I feel like the twins get so much more from me than Hayden did because I worked full-time when he was a baby. I know he is getting that time with me now, but I don't feel that it's enough. I just want the very best for my kids. I know that I've done all that I can for them, but part of me feels like that isn't enough.

Geez. Talk about Mommy Guilt.